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May 30, 2008

A Tale of Two Clowns

Okay, so here we were, me and my buddy Pennywise over there, after a long hard and arduous day at Evil Conservative Clown College. We were bone tire, grease paint smeared, BoBo noses and goofy clown hair all disheveled from our grueling evil conservative clown exercises. Man, Prof Jingles is a freakin' slave-driver!

He had us doing all kinds of shit like profit-taking; digging our way out of global warmongering propaganda; pushing down taxes; exercising our 2nd Amendment rights by continuously breakin 'em down, hookin 'em up, then locking and loading our Glocks - over and over and over again before we were allowed to take target practice on Islamofascist silhouettes. If I didn't know any better, I would say that he was personally responsible for the welfare cuts! Damned!

Anyway, we were both just plain dog tired, thirsty, sweaty, and just wanted to get the hell outta there. So, we hop in the ol' BoBo-Mobile to get us some suds at the local brew-house. It's only about a couple miles from the Evil Conservative Clown College - so - we figure - what the hell - let's floor this thing and live dangerously! Pennywise sticks his head out the window as we're flying down the Interstate doing about 15mph! If you've never seen a clown stick his head out of a window of a clown car as they're speeding down a highway at break-neck speed - you haven't seen anything! OMFG! I thought Pennywise was gonna shit a bucket of confetti!

Now - I've got the pedal to the metal - we're flying past all the pink flamingos in the ponds (could barely make them out we were going so fast) when all of a sudden, some asshole comes flying up behind us - gets the nose of his car right up on my BoBo-Bumper and lays on the horn! Well - me not to mince words - I give him the patented BoBo Finger out my window.

Not to be outdone - ol Pennywise pulls his head in, flips around, undoes all the big fuzzy clown buttons from his costume, removes the oversized clown gloves, and then sticks his lilly-white clown ass out of the window! That clown just cracks me up! Get it.."cracks" me up? Uhh...okay...evil clown humor. Anyway, the Florida love-bugs start smacking his ass - you can hear them hitting - thwap thwap thwap! But, this asshole behind us just continues laying on his horn! So, Pennywise just continues to shine that big ol' moon of his out of the window. Just as Pennywise could hardly stand the bugs smacking his crack any longer - the dipshit behind us decides to pull along the side and pass.

It was right about that time as that freakin' sonuvafemaledogloving asshole was sidling up along the passenger side of the car when Pennywise got the urge - I could see it in his face - eye's bulging - getting bloodshot - grunting - hmmpph hmmmph -

All over the side of this guy's car! And - what made it worse was this ass-hat had his window rolled down and was yelling all kinds of profanity that no clown should ever experience! Needless to say, he shut his mouth REAL quick after Pennywise got that last loaf-pinch in there! The driver of that other car was not looking real happy at this point in time! I thought clowns were supposed to make people laugh?!?!?! Bwahahahaha.

So - this guy speeds up, swerves in front of us, and immediately hits his breaks! HOLY SHIT! I could barely slow the BoBo-Mobile down and we almost tapped his back end there. As I sat there, a bit stunned, I saw them! All over the back end of his car. Then it all made sense:

Freakin' Obamarama Kool-aid drinking racist terrorist loving asshole! Now my BoBo dander was really up! Pennywise threw his costume back on in a hurry - slid the coveralls back up over his lilly-white ass, fastened all the fuzzy buttons, put his over-sized clown gloves back on, and we proceeded to get out of the car to give this asswipe a piece of our minds (well, actually, it was meringue pies, but who really cares about semantics here anyway?). I got out on my side, Pennywise got out on his side - then - it started happening. I forgot - it was the BoBo-Mobile. All my friends started coming out of trunk:

Simple Simon - The Pie Man

Sausagehead - (This guy is really whack!)

Lionel - (He once bit the head off of a rubber ducky)

And they just kept piling on out. I can't possibly list them all here - I'd run out of bandwith! There must have been about 20 clowns pop out of my car~ You should have seen the look on the marxist bastard's face! Well, this guy was like most typical liberals - he started getting all bad ass at first calling us retards, idiots, clowns (Duh!), and mostly tried to say something about our intellect or lack thereof - I don't know - I didn't get it - perhaps it just was above me!

In any case, when push came to push, we started hitting him with everything we got - confetting, silly string, water, pies - you name it. He fell to his knees and just started bawling like a baby begging us to stop! Starting saying things about being a pacifist and lets make peace not war. He didn't really mean any of those things he said as he passed by us. Started offering us carbon-credits! Like, what the freak do we need those for? It's not like they're really worth anything! My BoBo-Mobile runs on pure Eco-friendly Hydroflourocarbons and gets like 5 miles to the gallon. Why would I need carbon-credits? Who the hell would take them and for what?

So - Pennywise kicked the asshat in the head with his big soft clown shoes (Ever heard the funny squeaky noise when a clown shoe hits the forehead of a liberal ass-hat?) Actually, I wasn't sure if it was Penny's shoes or the libtard that was squeaking! In any case, we all turned around, piled back into the BoBo-Mobile and left that crying weasly wimp laying in a pile of clown confection. He was saying something about being sorry and that he would plant a tree in our honor?!?!? WTF? Oh well, at least we'll have something else to piss on!

Despite all our troubles, those suds sure as hell tasted much better after that!

My Zimbio
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